


Hiding In the Closet

by pandorabox82



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26598922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Erin finds herself with the opportunity to make amends with Alex, and she takes the moment for all its worth.
Relationships: David Rossi/Erin Strauss
Kudos: 4





	Hiding In the Closet

Erin sighed as she flopped back on her mattress, staring up at the ceiling of her bedroom. Ever sine Alex had returned to the BAU, she had found it difficult to relate to David, and while he knew that she was sniping at him more for a reason, the fact that he being so conciliatory about her wildly vacillating emotions just poked at her heart all the more, turning a sensitive spot raw. All she wanted was the chance to makes amends with Alex, to have the chance to be friendly with her, even if they couldn't get back to being friends. And it was moments like these, when she was fully into one of her moods, that she bitterly regretted being able to remember their good times together.

Shaking her head a little, Erin covered her eyes with her hands as she tried to take a few calming breaths before she burst into tears, knowing that she needed to develop a thicker skin when it came to her former friend, as she didn't need to keep needling that raw spot with sharp needles of remembrances. Just as she was about to get those feelings under control, she heard the doorbell ring.

Frowning a little, Erin sat up and glanced at the bedroom door, for all the good that would do. She knew that it wasn't her children, as they were with their father that week, and it wasn't David, because he had a key to her home. Which left her with no clue as to who had shown up at her door. Groaning, she stood up and slowly made her way to the door, checking to make certain that her service weapon was close at hand, just in case she needed it, what with the Replicator still being at large. Taking a deep breath, she glanced out the window to look at the porch, feeling a sharp breath tear from her throat as she recognized the person standing there. "What is she doing here?" she asked herself quietly as she unlocked the front door, opening it slowly so that she had more time to prepare herself for what would come next. "Hello."

"Erin. Could I come in?"

She nodded as she opened the door a little wider, allowing Alex to brush past her and enter her home. A small smile flitted across her lips when she saw that Alex's thick brown hair was done in familiar plaits, reminding her of their time together in the Academy. "Can I get you anything? Water, coffee, tea?"

"Water would be nice."

Erin nodded as she drew in a shallow breath, watching as Alex turned a little to look at her. "If you want to head into the house, you'll find the living room easily enough, and I'll join you shortly with the water." Alex gave her a tremulous smile, which told Erin that she was as nervous as Erin was, and then turned and made her way through the house as Erin had to take another few breaths before she was able to turn and head into the kitchen. As she allowed the water pitcher to fill, Erin pulled out a tray and set two glasses on it, along with a small bowl of ice before adding the full pitcher and making her way into the living room.

It didn't surprise her to find Alex at the mantle of her fireplace, looking at the pictures that were lined up along it. "You keep a picture of us on your mantle?"

Erin set the tray down on the coffee table before going over to her side and looking at the picture Alex was staring at. "I do. That came out of my photo album when Alan left me, and I got out of rehab. I wanted a constant reminder of everything that I had thrown away through my arrogance and stupidity." Alex turned her head to look at her, and she had to brace herself in order not to react to the open, sad, look on her face. "So, why did you stop by today?"

Erin gave her a small smile before gesturing towards the sofa with her head. Without looking to see if the woman was following her, Erin went to the sofa and sat down on it before filling their glasses with ice and water. Picking hers up, she sipped at it, needing something to distract from the fact that Alex hadn't answered her question. It took another few moments before Alex joined her on the sofa, sitting down with so much grace, something Erin had forgotten about her, that it stole her breath for a few moments. Alex glanced at her before picking up her own glass of water and holding it tightly before she brought it to her lips, obviously drawing out things so that she could think of a way to answer Erin. It was a familiar tactic, one that Alex had used quite often while they were working on the Amerithrax case, and so, hard as it was, Erin waited for her to answer.

"You keep smiling at me when we see each other at work, and the expression doesn't reach your eyes. They just stay like they are now, so full of yearning and sadness that I want to wrap you up in my arms, kiss you, and just believe that we can make amends. But how can I do that, when you betrayed me so badly?"

Alex's face blurred from her tears, and Erin looked down into her lap as she tried to keep from bursting into sobs, knowing that would get them nowhere. "You never read my letters, then."

"No, I threw them out as soon as they'd arrive. Why?"

"Because I told you, time after time, why I did what I did, my motivations behind how everything went down." She began to feel sick to her stomach, and Erin set the glass down on the coffee table before getting to her feet. "Excuse me, I'll be right back." Turning on her heel, Erin made her way out of the living room and up the stairs, needing the relative privacy of the master bathroom in case she did throw up.

She sank down onto the cool tile of her bathroom as she leaned her head forward, trying to take deep breaths as she swallowed thickly, trying to will away the sharply metallic taste of bile. She had perfected that ability, once upon a time, when she had been pregnant with Karen, and then Bruce, and finally, Tabitha. Her mind skittered away from the pregnancy she had lost after the Amerithrax debacle, right around the time that Alex had lost Ethan. Erin knew that that was a part of why she had developed her problem in the first place, but even her therapist didn't know about that incident. It was something that she had had to hold close to her soul, because she didn't want to let that see the light. The sorrow of her loss had seemed infinitesimally small when compared to what Alex had lost because of her. Those painful memories were enough to set off her gag reflex before she could get control of it, and she threw up the contents of her stomach until she was tasting the bitter burn of pure bile. Sitting up, she burst into sobs that she couldn't control as she flushed away the evidence of her sickness before shakily getting to her feet and washing her hands and mouth out with water before looking down at her blouse, seeing that she had soiled it.

After peeling it off her body, taking care not to get anything in her hair, Erin padded into her bedroom and flung open the closet doors, trying to find something that she could wear, even as her tears made it difficult to see clearly. Finally, her hand touched her favorite blouse, and she went to slip it off the hanger, only for it to slip out of her hands and fall to the floor. Letting out a deep sigh, Erin sank to her knees and picked it up before holding it tightly to her chest as she tried to let herself cry out her emotions. She knew that Alex would know that she had been crying when she went back down to her, since her eyes would be red and puffy, but she found that she didn't care at that point. Having Alex in her home, wanting to talk, was so overwhelming that she could only focus on the fact that she was allowing her own feelings to take over when she should have been completely focused on Alex.

She sat heavily as she slowly pulled the blouse over her head and smoothed it into place. "I've always loved that color on you."

Turning her head, Erin looked up at Alex, smiling as she nodded. "I may have remembered that. Help me up?" Alex shook her head and Erin frowned in response. "What?"

"I was just remembering how we used to hide away from everyone at the Academy in our closet. That was where we were always the most intimately connected, and perhaps it would be easier for us to speak if we tried to recreate a bit of that magic."

"Oh," she breathed out before nodding a little, making her way into the closet and watching Alex join her moments later, resting her back against the luggage that filled her corner. "I guess I took a little too long up here. I, I didn't mean to worry you."

"Well, you have been worrying me since the moment I returned to the BAU. Only, not the way you mean that word, but in the way that the very thought of you tugged at my mind. And this air of sorrow that no one else on the team seems to notice. You've been high up there in that ivory tower that you built for yourself after fucking over me and John, and now no one can reach you. Except, maybe, Dave. Have you allowed him to reach you at last?"

Erin nodded as she worried her lip between her teeth, wondering how much she could tell Alex. "He, he figured out that I was in rehab earlier this year, and he came to visit me. I don't know why, he's never told me, but it was enough. It was enough to know that someone cared, after being out on my own for so long. But now I'm pushing him away again, and we've had ferocious yelling matches. It's like I've not learned civility, you know?"

Alex nodded as she reached out and took hold of Erin's hand. That simple touch was electric to her nerves, and she had to fight the urge to pull her hand back, knowing that she didn't want to break this fragile bond that had seemed to spring up between them. "Civility can be overrated at times." Alex took a deep breath before meeting her gaze steadily. "Now, since I'm here, will you tell me what you wrote to me? What I should have read?"

Erin's breath caught in her throat as she tightened her grip on Alex's hand. They had so easily recaptured the solace of closet talks, and so she dared to be emotionally honest and vulnerable with her. "This will come off like an excuse. Each time I wrote the words, it felt like I was trying to handwave away everything that had happened, and absolve myself of this guilt that I had buried deep in my soul. I found out the morning that we were called into the Director's office that I was pregnant. I had assumed that the stress of that case had thrown off my periods, since they had been spotty as we worked through that. But then the morning sickness kicked in, and I knew the truth. I was going to have a fourth child, and was facing the very real possibility that I was about to be fired, along with you and John. My mind just went into overdrive in the need to protect this new life, which meant having a job. Things were already rocky between Alan and myself, and I became blind to everything else around me."

"Even though we loved each other?"

"Even though. You had Ethan, I knew that in the back of my mind, and thought that if you were able to be home with him more, that would at least be a good thing for that coming out of the disaster. But then you wouldn't talk to me after we left the Director's office."

"Because you stabbed me in the back before cutting my rope. I was so angry at you for just thinking that you could talk your way out of what you did. John knew that you would have nothing right to say, so he just took off, leaving everything behind."

"I know, I was the one who had to clean out his desk and box everything up. You forgot our picture."

"I did not forget, I knew that that would hurt you the most, so I left it behind. It's not like I wanted to be reminded of the fact that someone I loved so dearly, someone who championed me, had decided to save her own skin. I should have known that you were pregnant, you had this glow about you that couldn't be explained, not with what we were under pressure to solve."

"And that wouldn't have changed anything, in the end, if you had known. Because I had betrayed you. I, I've never told anyone else this, but the day that Ethan died, I miscarried. I told myself that this was exactly what I deserved, for what I did to you, and to John, but mostly to you. It was so easy to numb that pain with gin. Or vodka. Or whatever alcohol I could get my hands on. It started out so very small, my little problem. It took a nearly a decade for it to start affecting my work, and I went to rehab twice. The first was voluntary, of a sorts. It was a last ditch effort to save my rocky marriage, and it failed spectacularly. Alan left and we shared custody of the children. Until what had been a medium sized problem turned into full blown addiction. Everything spiraled so quickly, and then I drank in the field, and Agent Morgan caught me out. He and Aaron frogmarched me off to a more strict rehab than I had chosen, most likely on the advice of IAB. I spent ninety days there, and lost my children.

"So you see, in the matter of a decade, I destroyed everything I loved, everything that mattered to me, and everyone that I held most dear. I hit rock bottom harder than I thought I would, but it was the best thing that happened to me. Because I rebuilt my life. But there were bricks missing from that foundation, and every person that I made amends to filled in another hole. Until there was only you left. And I knew that I would tear myself to pieces trying to get you to at least hear me out. But it seems that I also tore you to pieces, too."

Erin broke off her words, feeling like she would cry again at any moment. "It took me a long time to see just how much we were pulling you apart at the seams."

"I deserved to be cut to pieces."

Alex's hand squeezed hers sharply, and Erin looked up into her face, finally taking in the fact that she was silently weeping. "I never wanted you to become a martyr, Erin."

She nodded, feeling Alex scoot closer to her, close enough that she could feel her gentle breaths against her face, and Erin closed her eyes, not wanting Alex to see just how she was affecting her. It was wholly inappropriate to have a physical reaction in this tender moment, especially when they were both in relationships. Still, Erin didn't pull away when Alex kissed her gently, nothing about the touch overtly sexual. Instead, it felt like a moment of peace that she so desperately needed. "You were always good at getting me to see reason," she murmured when Alex pulled away, and the other woman gave her a small shrug before sitting up again, though not letting go of Erin's hands.

"I had a lot of practice at it. What was our rule?"

"That kisses don't count, because friends kiss all the time, and we both knew how to keep them chaste." Alex nodded before releasing one of her hands so that she could reach up and cup her cheek. It was another familiar gesture, and she unconsciously nuzzled her cheek against Alex's palm. "So, now that you know everything, well, the short version of everything, do you think that we can start to make amends? With this weird series of replicated cases, I just want one less thing to worry about. In the space of six months, Alpha has become my found family, and I want to include you in that. But if you tell anyone that I said that, I'll disavow it."

Alex let out a watery laugh as she nodded. "That is one thing that hasn't changed about you, Erin. Now, I don't know about you, but I am not as young as I used to be, and my back is starting to hurt from sitting on the floor like this. How about we stretch out on that bed of yours and talk some more? Unless your children are going to be home soon?"

"It's Alan's week with them, so they won't be home until after school on Monday." Erin awkwardly got to her feet before helping Alex to stand, letting out a small sound of surprise when the woman practically dragged her over to the bed and pushed her down onto it. "Alex?"

"You always take too long to decide on things. I just sped up the process." Erin rolled her eyes a little as she stretched out on the mattress, letting out a happy sigh when she felt the bed dip beneath Alex's weight. Deciding to be bold for once in her life, Erin immediately turned on her side so that she could look at Alex, smiling to see that her friend had chosen the exact same thing. "I've missed this."

"We haven't done this since the Academy. Remember how I was so frustrated that I thought we should just pack everything up and move to India forever?"

Alex laughed as she nodded. "You never told me why you wanted to take us to India."

"Because their culture was everything I was not. Colorful, vibrant, chaotic. I know now that I was only looking at the surface of things, that the image I had in my mind didn't represent reality, but at the time it seemed like the best thing. Thankfully, I had my best friend to talk some sense into me before I did something rash."

Reaching out, Erin took hold of one of Alex's plaits, tugging on it gently. That was another familiar gesture, and she felt the ground beneath her suddenly shift as she wondered if Alex would be all right with that so soon. "I see that you're still not over your love affair with my hair."

"Hush! You have beautiful hair, so dark and thick." Erin felt another blush stain her cheeks as she looked away from Alex. "I remember so well the nights that your hair fanned out on the bed as I looked down at you and I felt like I was staring at the goddess of the night. Only this goddess had deigned to choose me as her consort. I knew that our affair couldn't last, even if we still loved each other dearly. You understood about my parents, and how I needed to make a good marriage. But I will never regret the time that we spent together. Are you happy with James?"

"Incredibly so. He's taking a job Stateside, so that we can spend more time together. I wish that we were younger, so that we could perhaps try for another child, but to try for one at our ages is so selfish." Alex scooted closer to Erin so that she could more easily drape her arm over her waist, her hand spreading out on her back. "At least, right now, I have Spencer, who reminds me so much of Ethan. Or rather, the Ethan that I always dreamed he would be from the moment I knew that I was pregnant. Do you know how hard it is to give up on your dreams?"

Erin nodded sadly as she spread her hand out on Alex's chest, allowing it to rest between her breasts. "I've had to do that three times. Every time was harder than the last. But finally, somehow, I think that one of my dreams is coming true. Because I have my friend back in my life. All the loss, all the mistakes, it all has led to this moment in time, and I am so grateful that you've decided to let me in once more. Even though you have your James, and I have my David, we still can have each other. It's a bit like a folksong, you know."

"Is it?"

"Yes. One of those rare few that has a happy ending. Well, we haven't reached the happy ending yet, but it feels like our love has lasted so long." Alex nodded before letting a soft breath wash across Erin's face. "And now that I've laid this particular burden down, I find myself exhausted. If I fall asleep, will you still be here when I wake up?"

"Yes, Erin." She smiled as she allowed her shoulders to relax before tapping her thumb against Alex's breastbone, a wide yawn splitting her lips as she made herself more comfortable on the mattress. Alex's fingers dug into the meat of her back as she pulled her closer to her body, and Erin sighed happily as she rested her head against Alex, breathing in the familiar scent of her body along with the perfume and shampoo that she used. "Are you cold?"

"Not when I have you here," she murmured lazily as she allowed her eyes to close, another yawn cutting off her words. The last thing she knew, before she went to sleep, was the feel of Alex pressing her lips against the top of her head, offering her the promise of a kinder future together.


End file.
